Wolf and I found out today that an old friend of ours, Rick Thornton, passed away quite suddenly on Saturday. He wasn't someone we were particularly close to but he was someone who has been a part of our lives for a very long time. We don't know yet what happened - could have been an aneurysm, or a heart-attack - but it came as a complete shock, especially considering he was our age. He leaves behind a beautiful wife and 3 young children, the last of which was just born. It is so hard for me to get my arms around the fact that these children will grow up not knowing their father, and even harder for me to put myself in his wife's shoes.
I can see, sometimes, why it is that people don't leave their houses. I can understand how the randomness and unpredicablility of it all can get so overwhelming that you just can't deal. I may have written about this in a previous blog, I'm not sure, but I've been afraid of dying since I was a little girl. I can remember sitting up late at night, looking out my window and just sobbing at the thought that one day I just wouldn't be here. To this day if I think on the subject for too long, I start to panic. I get sick to my stomach and my palms start to sweat. It's especially bad now that I have children. Logically I know that things happen, I know that people die, I know that life goes on. But emotionally it's debilitating.
Most days I don't think about it. I have a wonderful life with little time to dwell on such morbidity, but there are those days when I'm run down and exhausted, that I think about it. The other day I read in the paper about a family who came down here from Seattle, I think it was, to celebrate the wife's brother's graduation. The family was driving through San Francisco and the woman was shot by random gunfire and killed, leaving behind a husband and a small child. Granted, they were driving through Hunter's Point, but the randomness of it is still pretty crazy. It's not only my death I fear, but that of those close to me - my husband, my children, my friends and family.
I must shake it off, I must push it away. I don't want to go to the memorial service but I don't want to miss it, either. I don't want to be overwhelmed. Deep breath. Focus. Think about good things-love, chocolate, sex, friendships, fresh cut grass, a good book, the smell of a baby's breath, the rantings of a beautiful toddler, a thank you from a stranger, the last 34 years of my life. Shoulders relaxing, breathing calm.
Goodnight. Oh but wait, as I type this, an emergency alert just came on the tv. A 7.4 earthquake just struck about 300 miles northwest of San Francisco. And if that isn't cool enough, the entire California coast should be prepared for any tsunamis that might develop as a result. Well all right. Glad we have flood insurance.
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