Giggles
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
The unpredictability of life
Wolf and I found out today that an old friend of ours, Rick Thornton, passed away quite suddenly on Saturday. He wasn't someone we were particularly close to but he was someone who has been a part of our lives for a very long time. We don't know yet what happened - could have been an aneurysm, or a heart-attack - but it came as a complete shock, especially considering he was our age. He leaves behind a beautiful wife and 3 young children, the last of which was just born. It is so hard for me to get my arms around the fact that these children will grow up not knowing their father, and even harder for me to put myself in his wife's shoes.
I can see, sometimes, why it is that people don't leave their houses. I can understand how the randomness and unpredicablility of it all can get so overwhelming that you just can't deal. I may have written about this in a previous blog, I'm not sure, but I've been afraid of dying since I was a little girl. I can remember sitting up late at night, looking out my window and just sobbing at the thought that one day I just wouldn't be here. To this day if I think on the subject for too long, I start to panic. I get sick to my stomach and my palms start to sweat. It's especially bad now that I have children. Logically I know that things happen, I know that people die, I know that life goes on. But emotionally it's debilitating.
Most days I don't think about it. I have a wonderful life with little time to dwell on such morbidity, but there are those days when I'm run down and exhausted, that I think about it. The other day I read in the paper about a family who came down here from Seattle, I think it was, to celebrate the wife's brother's graduation. The family was driving through San Francisco and the woman was shot by random gunfire and killed, leaving behind a husband and a small child. Granted, they were driving through Hunter's Point, but the randomness of it is still pretty crazy. It's not only my death I fear, but that of those close to me - my husband, my children, my friends and family.
I must shake it off, I must push it away. I don't want to go to the memorial service but I don't want to miss it, either. I don't want to be overwhelmed. Deep breath. Focus. Think about good things-love, chocolate, sex, friendships, fresh cut grass, a good book, the smell of a baby's breath, the rantings of a beautiful toddler, a thank you from a stranger, the last 34 years of my life. Shoulders relaxing, breathing calm.
Goodnight. Oh but wait, as I type this, an emergency alert just came on the tv. A 7.4 earthquake just struck about 300 miles northwest of San Francisco. And if that isn't cool enough, the entire California coast should be prepared for any tsunamis that might develop as a result. Well all right. Glad we have flood insurance.
I can see, sometimes, why it is that people don't leave their houses. I can understand how the randomness and unpredicablility of it all can get so overwhelming that you just can't deal. I may have written about this in a previous blog, I'm not sure, but I've been afraid of dying since I was a little girl. I can remember sitting up late at night, looking out my window and just sobbing at the thought that one day I just wouldn't be here. To this day if I think on the subject for too long, I start to panic. I get sick to my stomach and my palms start to sweat. It's especially bad now that I have children. Logically I know that things happen, I know that people die, I know that life goes on. But emotionally it's debilitating.
Most days I don't think about it. I have a wonderful life with little time to dwell on such morbidity, but there are those days when I'm run down and exhausted, that I think about it. The other day I read in the paper about a family who came down here from Seattle, I think it was, to celebrate the wife's brother's graduation. The family was driving through San Francisco and the woman was shot by random gunfire and killed, leaving behind a husband and a small child. Granted, they were driving through Hunter's Point, but the randomness of it is still pretty crazy. It's not only my death I fear, but that of those close to me - my husband, my children, my friends and family.
I must shake it off, I must push it away. I don't want to go to the memorial service but I don't want to miss it, either. I don't want to be overwhelmed. Deep breath. Focus. Think about good things-love, chocolate, sex, friendships, fresh cut grass, a good book, the smell of a baby's breath, the rantings of a beautiful toddler, a thank you from a stranger, the last 34 years of my life. Shoulders relaxing, breathing calm.
Goodnight. Oh but wait, as I type this, an emergency alert just came on the tv. A 7.4 earthquake just struck about 300 miles northwest of San Francisco. And if that isn't cool enough, the entire California coast should be prepared for any tsunamis that might develop as a result. Well all right. Glad we have flood insurance.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Friday, June 10, 2005
A New Day
I've noticed that sometimes Mason will go to bed one kid and wake up a whole different one. The past couple of nights have been pretty rough for him sleeping wise. Last night he woke up just screaming and screaming and we couldn't get him to stop. He was angry and frustrated and nothing we could do or say would help him. We felt so badly because we didn't know what was causing it. So we just rode it out, sitting on the floor with him and letting him do whatever he needed to do. Finally whatever it was passed and he was able to get back to sleep. Wolf gave him his leapfrog Tad and that seemed to help him. We heard him later on in the night turn it on and play some music. Thankfully there were no more screaming sessions.
Then this morning he woke up in the best of spirits and seems to be different, older. He is very clearly talking in complete sentences now and is getting very good at communicating. This morning I was in the kitchen getting breakfast ready when he looked up at me from the office and says, "miss you so much, mama." My heart just broke. And he very clearly says I love you now. Such a sweet, gentle soul, he is.
I took him to check out a new school yesterday, one that is closer to home and has gotten rave reviews. We met with the owner of the school who showed us around. I was very impressed, both with her and the school, and she was likewise impressed with Mason. If we get him in now, he is set for school all the way until kindergarten. He is in a school now with a teacher he absolutely loves, but he will only be in the class until October anyway, so I think we might make the switch. He seemed to have a lot of fun playing with everything although I'm sure it will be a rough transition for him to leave his Nessa. We don't have school days we have "'Nessa days."
Well, we are off to Lisa's, aka Art Start, where Mason loves to do art, and loves to see Lisa.
Then this morning he woke up in the best of spirits and seems to be different, older. He is very clearly talking in complete sentences now and is getting very good at communicating. This morning I was in the kitchen getting breakfast ready when he looked up at me from the office and says, "miss you so much, mama." My heart just broke. And he very clearly says I love you now. Such a sweet, gentle soul, he is.
I took him to check out a new school yesterday, one that is closer to home and has gotten rave reviews. We met with the owner of the school who showed us around. I was very impressed, both with her and the school, and she was likewise impressed with Mason. If we get him in now, he is set for school all the way until kindergarten. He is in a school now with a teacher he absolutely loves, but he will only be in the class until October anyway, so I think we might make the switch. He seemed to have a lot of fun playing with everything although I'm sure it will be a rough transition for him to leave his Nessa. We don't have school days we have "'Nessa days."
Well, we are off to Lisa's, aka Art Start, where Mason loves to do art, and loves to see Lisa.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
They say it's your birthday.....
Yes, today is my birthday. 34 years ago today, I escaped from my mother's womb, as Wolf so kindly put it. I've always been a big lover of my birthday. So much so that I would make sure I told people at least one week ahead of time to remind them. It's not the presents part or the getting older. In truth, I'm not sure what it is. It's just a day when I feel all giddy and happy and glad to be alive. It is the celebration of my birth.
But I must say that having two kids kind of takes some of the celebration out of it. Check that, it takes the energy out of the celebration. It's hard to be enthusiastic about a day when you are up at 5:30 and know that the rest of the day is going to be filled with terrible two tantrums and screaming 2 month olds.
All in all, though, I can't complain. I have the love of a most amazing man who makes me feel like nothing else in the world matters and I have two beautiful and sweet little boys who make my life complete. Getting older only gets better because of the love and friendships that you develop along the way. Life truly is a roller coaster, with so many ups and downs, twists and turns, and I must admit, I'm really starting to enjoy this ride.
Cheers everyone!
But I must say that having two kids kind of takes some of the celebration out of it. Check that, it takes the energy out of the celebration. It's hard to be enthusiastic about a day when you are up at 5:30 and know that the rest of the day is going to be filled with terrible two tantrums and screaming 2 month olds.
All in all, though, I can't complain. I have the love of a most amazing man who makes me feel like nothing else in the world matters and I have two beautiful and sweet little boys who make my life complete. Getting older only gets better because of the love and friendships that you develop along the way. Life truly is a roller coaster, with so many ups and downs, twists and turns, and I must admit, I'm really starting to enjoy this ride.
Cheers everyone!
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
2 month Update
Morgan had his 2 month check-up today. He weighs 12 lbs. 14 ozs, he's 22 1/2 inches long and his head is 16 1/2 inches. He's quite the little chunkster and I just love it. He has these awesome rolls on his thighs that I just love to squish and these big puffy cheeks. The kid sure loves to eat.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Another Bad Mama Day
Today is a Bad Mama day, or at least portions of it. I'm trying to keep my cool, trying to remain calm and just laugh at everything, and it's kind of working. I've been getting pretty good sleep lately so when I don't get as good a night sleep as I would like, my days suffer, my kids suffer and my husband suffers. And I suffer from the guilt of it all. So here it is 4:06 in the evening and I am sitting at my computer taking a break. My eldest baby is sitting in his new booster seat at our new used table, eating wheat thins, my littlest baby is asleep in his swing and the best of Hall & Oates is blaring in the background. I rediscovered this CD over the weekend and have had to listen to it every day. It makes me happy, makes me nostalgic and helps the baby go to sleep. Who knew?
As I was getting uptight about the boys room being a mess and the laundry not being done, as the baby was screaming and Mason was running around with poop on his hands, I stood still for a minute, clenched every muscle in my body as tightly as I could, took a deep breath and let it all go. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Now I'm letting the music wash over me and sighing happily as my boy calls for his Mama Bear while he is making art.
Damn this job is hard. The guilt is almost unbearable sometimes. And now my brief moment of respite is over - Mason is now having an uncontrollable fit because he can't cram the crayons into the colored pencils box and Morgan has decided that Hall & Oates is no longer doing it for him. The sound level has now risen to an unbearable level and I must flee. Well, go control it, at any rate.
More at another time....
As I was getting uptight about the boys room being a mess and the laundry not being done, as the baby was screaming and Mason was running around with poop on his hands, I stood still for a minute, clenched every muscle in my body as tightly as I could, took a deep breath and let it all go. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Now I'm letting the music wash over me and sighing happily as my boy calls for his Mama Bear while he is making art.
Damn this job is hard. The guilt is almost unbearable sometimes. And now my brief moment of respite is over - Mason is now having an uncontrollable fit because he can't cram the crayons into the colored pencils box and Morgan has decided that Hall & Oates is no longer doing it for him. The sound level has now risen to an unbearable level and I must flee. Well, go control it, at any rate.
More at another time....
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